Awkward Silence: A Breakdown of the Emotional Intelligence Technique That Transformed the Responses of Steve Jobs, Tim Cook, and Jeff Bezos

There’s an unwritten rule of folk wisdom that you might have heard then and again: Before giving an answer you might regret, count to ten. This tactic, although not supported by scientific proof, shows the way to handle complicated situations when it’s better to keep calm and not respond in a way that you might later regret.

This is known as the rule of awkward silence, an emotional intelligence technique used by people like Apple CEO Tim Cook or Amazon founder Jeff Bezos in their speeches or when faced with uncomfortable questions. It can help you in a job interview when you encounter a complex question.

Take time to think about your answer before speaking. It may seem like common sense, but in the heat of a conversation, people may say things they didn’t really mean or fail to express things the right way. Taking 10 to 20 seconds before responding gives you enough time to organize your thoughts and calm your nerves before giving an answer, especially in the face of complex responses.

Justin Bariso, an emotional Intelligence expert and author of the book EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, states that when faced with a challenging question, it’s preferable to pause before answering and to reflect deeply by applying the rule of awkward silence.

Why “awkward”? The term refers to prolonged pauses, which can last 10 to 20 seconds or more, making the listener feel uncomfortable if they’re not used to this type of interaction.

Take a chance with every answer. My colleague María Gonzalez was one of the few people who had the opportunity to interview Cook during his visit to Spain in 2023. As she mentioned in the Loop Infinito podcast, the Apple CEO knew how to weigh his words very well.

Cook also demonstrated this in an interview with Marques Brownlee, when the popular YouTuber asked him a very compromising question about the Magic Mouse, one of the most controversial devices ever manufactured by Apple, in my humble opinion. Faced with such a complicated situation, Cook kept quiet for a few seconds of silence and then went on to offer a calm and politically correct response. “This rule has always been a valuable tool of emotional intelligence, because it allows you to balance thought and emotion, rather than reacting based on feelings alone,” Bariso told BBC Mundo.

Like father, like son. Cook likely learned the technique of using awkward silence from many hours spent with Apple co-founder Steve Jobs. An example of this emotional intelligence technique was captured in a popular 1997 video, where the Jobs faced an uncomfortable question from a developer who criticized him, saying, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Instead of responding angrily, Jobs paused in silence for about 10 seconds before formulating his response. This puzzled the room. After the brief silence, Jobs began to give a comprehensive response, ultimately winning over the entire room. Part of the merit lies in the fact that Jobs had the opportunity to compose himself in the face of aggressive questioning and gather his thoughts before responding.

Bezos starts his meetings in silence. Bezos is known for using silence as a tool for communication. The Amazon founder begins all his meetings by silently reading the memo that the person organizing the meeting must write to learn about what's going to be discussed.

Then, as he recommended to his fiancée and fellow entrepreneur Lauren Sanchez, the boss should be the last to speak. By doing this, he uses awkward silence to allow others to provide comments and opinions while he makes his decision.

Benefits of the rule of awkward silence. Bariso points out that emotional intelligence, which is the ability to understand and manage emotions, is fundamental in the application of this technique. Under pressure, people tend to act and speak differently than when they have time to reflect.

“I tend to speak too fast and I’ve gotten into trouble because of it,” he told BBC Mundo. However, the author assures that when these silences are mastered, “you will stop feeling uncomfortable with them,” and they become a tool to give more effective answers. This can help you stay calm and aligned with your values, balance your emotions, and increase your self-confidence.

Silence isn’t always the best response. At times, it can be difficult and unsuitable to incorporate these uncomfortable pauses. This technique requires emotional intelligence, practice, and the ability to assess when you should use it. For instance, in formal situations, a long pause may be viewed as inappropriate or out of place.

Furthermore, in certain contexts, a quick response is expected. “There will always be scenarios where you have to speak or respond quickly. But those scenarios are fewer in number than people think. Most of the time, taking 10 or 30 seconds before responding won’t hurt you,” Bariso says.

This article was written by Rubén Andrés and originally published in Spanish on Xataka.

Imagen | Wikimedia Commons (Steve Jurvetson, Christophe Licoppe, Van Ha)

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